Over the course of my life, my expectations of motherhood changed. Maybe that’s because I didn’t always have the easiest relationship with my own mother, but as I grew up and my friends started building their own families, I became more optimistic. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was ready to be a mom. I had just gotten married, bought a house and a cat… You know, ticked off just about every box there is. So when I took a pregnancy test and saw that positive sign, I felt optimistic. I knew there would be challenges. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I really thought I was ready.
Well, I was obviously wrong. And it wasn’t just the dirty nappies and late-night feeds. It’s the weird cocktail of love, exhaustion, uncertainty, change, and fear that comes with raising your own little person from scratch. There are plenty of things that everyone talks about, and you can read those articles on BuzzFeed if you want. But here, I want to tell you all about the things nobody talks about; the lessons I wished I’d known. Because everyone talks about the constant crying and the sleepless nights, but what no one really prepared me for was just how much I would change as a person.
So, without any further ado, let me tell you about all of the things that I wish someone had told me before I became a mom.
Don’t Feel Guilty for Not Always Enjoying Motherhood
Unconditional love is a hell of a drug, but it doesn’t automatically make motherhood easy. When I got home from the hospital with my first-born, Jordan, I remember lying on the couch with him and just… staring into those big blue eyes. He hadn’t properly learned to cry yet. I knew in that moment that everything had changed. This baby was my new number one priority. So when I’ve felt overwhelmed in the years since, I’ve sometimes fallen into the pattern of feeling frustrated and desperate for a break. I was unprepared for how strangely guilty I would feel for having these thoughts; I talked myself in circles about how I shouldn’t feel negative thoughts about my children, or about being a mother.
At first I really struggled with this, because it almost felt like I was being ungrateful for being a mum. But I wasn’t being ungrateful. I was just having a hard time. Struggling with these contradictory thoughts doesn’t make you a bad mum; it just makes you a human being. Motherhood is both wonderful and incredibly difficult, so it’s ok not to love every single moment.
That Fourth Trimester is a Shock to the System
I have never been so tired. The new routine was a welcome change, but other than that, the hormonal changes, bleeding, and sleep deprivation really took it out of me. I suppose what I really didn’t expect here was the sheer amount of recovery time I needed. After giving birth to my son, I needed to have stitches, which made moving around the house and getting up for changes almost impossible. I was reliant on support from my partner and family at the time.
I didn’t exactly assure myself that I’d be doing cartwheels around the house, but I’ve seen friends within the first few days of giving birth, and they seemed to be getting on just fine. They were out of the house and pushing the pram around town, but for a lot of mums, that isn’t the case. If I were you, I’d lower my expectations for just how quick the recovery process is. Prioritise your own rest and recovery.
You Don’t Need to Buy Everything Before Your Baby Arrives
When you have a baby around the corner, one thing that a lot of people don’t talk about enough is the pressure to clear out Mother Care and buy everything you could ever need upfront. I think there’s something to be said about the commodification of motherhood in modern society here. That there’s an unseen pressure to buy a lot of unnecessary rubbish with the implication that, if we don’t, we won’t be ready.
Maybe we could also factor in the notion that a lot of mothers-to-be out there buy a lot of products because it makes them really more ready and sets them at ease, either way I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to do this! The truth is that babies don’t need anywhere near as much as we’re led to believe. Sure, there are a fair few absolute essentials, like a place for your baby to sleep, clothes, nappies and feeding products/supplies. But you really don’t need to buy every gadget and accessory before you know what you’ll need or find the most useful.
One thing that really helped me was that a few of my friends had already had kids of their own, and they were kind enough to give me clothes that they no longer needed. This saved me a lot of money on clothes overall, and meant that I didn’t have a tonne of unnecessary clothes that my babies grew out of after a few months. If you’re lucky like me, and have a few close friends who’ve had babies, just ask.
Your Immediate Family Becomes Your Extended Family
This is a funny one. I mentioned earlier that I had a complicated relationship with my mom, but we were still close. I love her, just like I love my dad and my brother. For the first thirty years, that was my immediate family. But then, I became a mother myself; I had two beautiful demons of my own. They became my immediate family. And this is one of those changes that happens to almost all of us as we get older, but as soon as I had my firstborn, it happened overnight. He was my family now. So the whole family dynamic changed as my immediate family became my extended family. My brother and I had our own new families; we weren’t as central in each other’s lives as we used to be, and my parents did their best to be where they were needed.
Again, this doesn’t need to be a positive or negative change. It’s just change. A change that left me mourning the unique family that had welcomed me into the world, yet also excited for a new family – one that I could take ownership over.
Prepare for the days When You Have Nothing Left in the Tank
This is something that you would probably realise eventually, but there’s nothing wrong with being ready from the get-go. When you become a mom, there will be days where you feel absolutely exhausted – especially during the fourth trimester when you’re also recovering from childbirth. So I find that it’s helpful to always have a contingency in place. You won’t necessarily need to have everything already perfectly organised, but having a few key preparations in place can make a hge difference when you’re running on empty.
Here are a few easy wins:
Keep spare meals in the freezer: Batch cook some favourites ahead of time, or stock up on quick and easy meals for those days where cooking a full meal is too much.
- Have a changing station on each floor of your home: Keep nappies, wipes, and spare clothes nearby so you don’t need to keep rushing up and down the stairs.
- Keep a bag of essentials where you feed your baby: Again, nothing too crazy here. Just keep some essentials like water, snacks, and your phone charger nearby. Oh, and a burp cloth, too. You’ll probably need that.
- Accept practical help before it’s desperately needed: Let your support network support you. Accept a homecooked meal from a friend or family member, or let them pick up groceries or help with laundry.
- A key thing to remember here is that there are no bonus points for making motherhood any harder than it needs to be. Convenient shortcuts, supportive friends, and pre-prepped meals are all going to be needed in this new chapter of your life.
Accept Help and Be Specific About What You Need
I was very lucky to be surrounded by so many friends and family who were always there to help. The main problem was that their help wasn’t always useful. If I were doing it all again, I’d utilise this support network for meals, laundry, and shopping. Basically, things that were draining my energy on top of being a new mother to young children. The biggest trap that you don’t want to fall into is entertaining. I’ve had family come round on the premise of them being present to support with the baby, bringing food, etc. But it soon became apparent that they were mainly there for a catch-up and a cuppa, which put pressure on us to entertain.
Even if you have plenty of people around to help, you’ll still have an awful lot on your plate, which is why I believe that finding simple ways to stay organised can be extremely helpful. I don’t have any advanced strategies for this, just a personalised calendar on the kitchen fridge that keeps me sane, as well as a journal/notebook that I use to keep all of my various lists.
Comparison Will Absolutely Steal Your Joy (if You Let it)
I think big tech knew that I was pregnant before I did. Parenting and motherhood videos started to creep into my feed before I was even pregnant; then once I was expecting, the dam burst, and my Instagram feed was flooded with parenting content.
On top of that, I hit the age where lots of my friends, family, and people I went to school with have started having kids and building families. On the surface, this could be innocent enough – helpful, even. There are plenty of tips and tricks on social media that have helped inform my parenting style over the years.
The thing you need to watch out for is the deep psychological impact that social media can have on you.
Seeing all of these posts by seemingly perfect families, with their breezy lives, adventuring across the world from one holiday to another, made me feel pretty horrible after a certain point. I felt that the life I was providing for my children was inadequate in comparison; that I needed to make reckless financial decisions to give my kids an Instagrammable life for all the wrong reasons.
When I was feeling down, I’d force myself to properly think about the reality of social media. Because no matter how perfect those posts may make that other family look, social media doesn’t give us a full picture. Your motherhood journey won’t look like mine, and mine doesn’t look like those women I used to envy on Instagram. Our families aren’t the same. Our routines aren’t the same. Our milestones aren’t the same. We all just want to do our best, so focus most on what’s working for you and your baby instead of chasing someone else’s version of motherhood.
You Will Worry More Than You Ever Expected
Before I had my kids, I knew I’d worry about them. After all, most mothers do – it’s just the way it is. But I was not prepared for the fear I felt when I left my firstborn with my parents for the first time, or the sheer terror I felt when I knew my daughter was going to be born prematurely.
Becoming a mother introduced me to a whole new type of love that I’d never experienced before, and I don’t believe I will again. It’s totally unconditional and forced a permanent shift in my priorities. But at first, it took a lot of getting used to. Especially during the early days when I was already overwhelmed every day by all of the new challenges I was constantly facing every single day. So this new love often presented itself in a sense of buzzing anxiety that was difficult to manage.
As the years have gone by, this sense of intense anxiety has gradually had its sharpest edges filed down, as I’ve both become more confident as a mother and used my own support network to help me during tough periods when I’ve really worried about my children, particularly during health scares. Either way, the takeaway here should be that you can be a confident, capable mother and still need support.
There is No Such Thing as a Perfect Mother
We all feel the pressure of wanting to be the perfect mother, but we won’t be. And that’s ok. You’re going to make mistakes – we all do. Plus, we all have our own definitions of the ‘perfect mother’ so trying to be the best according to that one definition is likely already a lost cause.
Being a good mother is, in my experience, all about showing up for your children. It’s about making the effort to help them discover their own identity, and in doing so, finding out who they are for yourself. Children need connection, care, and – occasionally – repair, not a parent who never gets anything wrong. And when you do make a mistake, apologise properly, hold yourself accountable, and learn from those difficult moments.
There is no such thing as perfect. There are no perfect mothers, just as there are no perfect chefs, athletes, or painters. Picasso’s thousand failed attempts vastly outnumber his masterpieces. Eventually, your children will realise you’re just as imperfect and flawed as they are, so the least you can do is be a proper role model who can show them how to navigate life in this unfair world and respond to its setbacks with grace and resilience. Your baby doesn’t need a perfect mother. They need a mother who is human.
Closing Thoughts
Do I wish that I was told all of this before becoming a mother? Sure. It would’ve been nice to mentally brace for impact, so to speak. It would’ve been nice to feel a little more prepared. It would’ve been nice to feel a little less alone. But now, even though I’ve shared my experiences here (perhaps overshared), I want to make something clear. We aren’t all the same kind of mother, and our kids aren’t the same kinds of kids. Our journeys won’t be the same, so even when you experience the same things I have, it won’t feel the same. Motherhood is full of things you can never fully understand once you’ve experienced them for yourself.
Nevertheless, if you’re going to take one thing from this article, let it be this: give yourself more grace than you think you need. Your journey will be one full of moments where you feel like you’re barely keeping up, but you’ll adapt, and you’ll grow – along with the kids themselves. The tough days will never cancel out the love that you feel for your children, and the joy you feel when they crawl, walk, run, dig, and climb to new heights. Just remember that you need the same compassion, understanding, and care that you give to everyone else. You deserve it. If I could tell a new mother one thing, it would be this: you don’t have to have it all together. Your baby is learning about the world and you’re learning to be a mother. Grow together.
