“Stop crying.”
“Calm down.”
“There’s nothing to be angry about.”
“Why are you behaving like this?”
Most parents have said something similar during a difficult moment. When a toddler screams because playtime is over, a preschooler melts down over a small disappointment, or an older child becomes extremely frustrated after losing a game, it can be difficult to know what to do.
The good news is that children are not expected to automatically know how to manage every big feeling. Emotional regulation for kids is a skill that develops gradually through brain development, relationships, practice, and experience.
Emotional regulation means learning to recognize feelings, understand what is happening inside the body, cope with strong emotions, and respond in a safe and appropriate way. It does not mean that a child should never become angry, sad, scared, frustrated, or disappointed.
Parents and caregivers have an important role in helping children develop these skills. Talking about emotions, modeling healthy coping, providing connection, setting appropriate boundaries, and practicing strategies when children are calm can all support emotional development.
So, how can you teach emotional regulation to kids?
Let’s look at practical emotional regulation skills, activities, scripts, and strategies that parents can use at home.
What Is Emotional Regulation for Kids?
Emotional regulation for kids is the developing ability to notice, understand, express, and manage emotions in ways that are safe and appropriate for the child’s age.
A child who is learning emotional self-regulation may gradually learn to say:
- “I’m angry.”
- “I need help.”
- “I need a break.”
- “I’m disappointed.”
- “Can we try again?”
- “I don’t like that.”
- “I’m getting frustrated.”
Young children usually need considerable adult support because skills such as attention, planning, language, impulse control, and problem-solving are still developing. Children also develop these abilities at different rates.
Emotional Regulation vs. Emotional Suppression
It is important to understand that emotional regulation is not emotional suppression.
Suppression teaches a child to hide or deny feelings:
“Don’t be sad.”
“Big boys don’t cry.”
“Stop being angry.”
Emotional regulation teaches:
“It’s okay to feel angry. Let’s figure out what you can do with that anger.”
A child can experience a strong emotion without being allowed to behave in an unsafe way.
For example:
Feeling: Anger is okay.
Behavior: Hitting someone is not okay.
Feeling: Disappointment is okay.
Behavior: Throwing a toy at someone is not okay.
This distinction is central to teaching self-regulation skills for kids.
What Does Emotional Regulation Look Like in Children?
Emotional regulation can look different at different ages. It may include:
- Asking for help when overwhelmed
- Taking a break
- Using words instead of hitting
- Taking slow breaths
- Waiting for a turn
- Accepting a small disappointment
- Recovering after becoming upset
- Identifying an emotion
- Trying another solution after a problem
- Seeking comfort from a trusted adult
The goal isn’t perfect behavior. The goal is gradual progress.
Why Is Emotional Regulation Important for Children?
Children experience emotions throughout the day, but they do not always have the language or skills needed to explain what they are experiencing.
Learning emotional regulation in children can support communication, relationships, problem-solving, social development, and the ability to cope with everyday frustrations.
Children who develop stronger emotional and self-regulation skills may find it easier to participate in learning, interact with others, and manage challenging situations. However, emotional regulation develops over time and is influenced by many factors, including temperament, environment, development, stress, tiredness, and hunger.
Teaching emotional regulation skills for kids can help them learn to:
- Recognize emotions
- Communicate needs
- Manage frustration
- Handle disappointment
- Solve problems
- Make safer choices
- Ask for support
- Recover after difficult moments
Most importantly, children learn that emotions are not something they need to fear or feel ashamed of.
Why Do Kids Struggle With Emotional Regulation?
If your child frequently has big emotions, it does not automatically mean that something is wrong.
Children are still developing the skills needed for emotional self-regulation.
Developing Brain and Executive Function
Skills such as planning, impulse control, attention, and problem-solving develop gradually. Young children therefore cannot be expected to respond to frustration with the same level of control as an adult.
Hunger, Fatigue and Overstimulation
A tired, hungry, or overstimulated child may have less capacity to use their coping skills.
This is why tantrums and emotional outbursts can become more likely around bedtime, mealtimes, busy outings, or after a long day.
Big Changes and Transitions
Children may struggle more with emotional regulation during:
- Starting school
- Moving homes
- Getting a new sibling
- Traveling
- Changing caregivers
- Ending an activity
- Starting a new routine
Predictability and preparation can make transitions easier.
Temperament and Individual Differences
Some children naturally react more intensely to frustration or take longer to recover from strong emotions.
Two children of the same age may experience the same situation very differently.
Limited Emotional Vocabulary
A child may know that they feel “bad” without knowing whether they are:
- Angry
- Worried
- Embarrassed
- Jealous
- Frustrated
- Disappointed
- Sad
- Overwhelmed
Teaching emotional vocabulary gives children more tools to communicate what they need.
Stressful Experiences
Significant stress can also influence how children respond emotionally. Parents should avoid assuming the cause of a child’s behavior without understanding the broader situation.
When emotional or behavioral difficulties become persistent or interfere with everyday life, professional guidance can be helpful.
The Role of Co-Regulation: Children Learn Regulation Through Relationships
Co-regulation for kids refers to the way a responsive adult helps a child manage emotions before the child can consistently do so independently.
In simple terms:
Your calm can help your child find calm.
This doesn’t mean parents have to be perfectly calm all the time. It means that during difficult moments, the adult provides safety, connection, structure, and support while the child is overwhelmed.
Responsive and stable interactions with caregivers are important for healthy development, and children gradually build their own regulation skills through these experiences.
Why Parents Should Regulate Before They Teach
When a child is extremely upset, a long explanation about appropriate behavior may not be effective.
Instead:
- Help the child feel safe.
- Stay as calm as possible.
- Acknowledge the emotion.
- Maintain the safety boundary.
- Wait for the child to settle.
- Teach and problem-solve afterward.
What Parents Can Do During a Meltdown
Try:
- Lowering your voice
- Using fewer words
- Getting physically closer if the child welcomes it
- Naming the emotion
- Offering reassurance
- Maintaining safety boundaries
- Giving simple choices
- Allowing time to calm down
For example:
“I can see you’re really angry. I’m here with you. I won’t let you hit. We can talk when your body feels calmer.”
This combines emotional validation with a clear behavioral boundary.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends noticing, naming, and acknowledging children’s emotions as part of emotion coaching.
10 Emotional Regulation Skills Parents Can Teach Kids
The best emotional regulation strategies for kids are simple enough to practice repeatedly and flexible enough to work in everyday situations.
1. Name the Emotion
The first step in helping kids manage emotions is often helping them identify what they are feeling.
Teach words such as:
- Happy
- Sad
- Angry
- Scared
- Worried
- Frustrated
- Excited
- Disappointed
- Embarrassed
- Jealous
Instead of saying:
“Why are you acting like this?”
Try:
“You look frustrated. Is it because the puzzle isn’t working?”
You don’t need to get the emotion perfectly right. You are giving your child an opportunity to connect words with feelings.
2. Recognize Body Signals
Emotions can also create physical sensations.
Help your child notice:
- Fast heartbeat
- Tight fists
- Hot face
- Tense shoulders
- Faster breathing
- Tears
- Butterflies in the stomach
- Feeling shaky
You might say:
“Your hands are tight and your face looks hot. Maybe your body is telling us you’re getting really angry.”
This can help children recognize early warning signs before emotions become overwhelming.
3. Use Simple Breathing Techniques
Breathing exercises can be useful emotional regulation activities for kids, particularly when practiced regularly while children are calm.
Try:
Smell the flower, blow the candle:
Pretend to slowly smell a flower, then gently blow out a candle.
Belly breathing:
Place a hand on the belly and slowly breathe in and out.
Box breathing:
Older children can try breathing in, holding, breathing out, and pausing for equal counts.
The AAP includes slow breathing among techniques that can help children calm their bodies and minds.
Don’t expect a breathing exercise to magically stop every tantrum. The goal is to build a coping tool that children can eventually choose when they need it.
4. Take a Calm-Down Break
A calm-down break should not feel like punishment.
Create a comfortable place where your child can:
- Sit quietly
- Look at books
- Cuddle a soft toy
- Draw
- Listen to calming music
- Practice breathing
Teach the concept when your child is calm:
“When your feelings get really big, you can come here to help your body calm down.”
A safe quiet space can be particularly helpful during difficult transitions, including ending screen time.
5. Use Words to Ask for Help
Some children act out because they don’t know how to communicate what they need.
Practice phrases such as:
- “I need help.”
- “I’m getting angry.”
- “Can I have a break?”
- “I don’t like this.”
- “Can you stay with me?”
- “I’m frustrated.”
- “Can we try again?”
Practice these phrases during calm moments so they become familiar.
6. Practice Problem-Solving
Teach a simple sequence:
Stop → Name the problem → Think of choices → Choose one → Try again
For example:
Your child wants a toy another child is using.
Instead of grabbing it, they could:
- Ask for a turn
- Find another toy
- Ask an adult for help
- Wait nearby
Problem-solving can be taught through everyday situations and role-play. The APA recommends planning options and practicing them with children when they are calm.
7. Learn to Wait and Handle Disappointment
Waiting is an important part of emotional regulation for toddlers, preschoolers, and older children.
Everyday opportunities include:
- Waiting for food
- Taking turns
- Waiting for a favorite show
- Losing a board game
- Hearing “not now”
- Ending screen time
- Waiting for a parent to finish a task
You can acknowledge the disappointment without immediately removing it:
“You really wanted it right now. Waiting is hard. Let’s see what we can do while we wait.”
8. Use Movement to Release Stress
Movement can be a useful coping strategy.
Try:
- Jumping
- Dancing
- Walking
- Stretching
- Outdoor play
- Running
- Age-appropriate yoga
Movement shouldn’t be presented as a punishment for being angry. Instead, teach it as one possible way to help the body handle stress.
9. Practice Positive Self-Talk
Older children can learn simple phrases such as:
- “I can try again.”
- “I can ask for help.”
- “It’s okay to make mistakes.”
- “I’m frustrated, but I’m safe.”
- “I can take a break.”
- “I don’t have to get it right the first time.”
Positive self-talk is particularly useful when children are learning new skills or dealing with disappointment.
10. Learn to Repair After Big Emotions
Emotional regulation doesn’t mean children will never lose control.
Teach children what to do after a difficult moment.
They can learn to:
- Apologize when appropriate
- Check on someone they hurt
- Help clean up
- Explain what happened
- Identify what they were feeling
- Think about what might help next time
Repair teaches responsibility without teaching shame.
Emotional Regulation Activities for Kids
Children often learn emotional regulation more effectively when the practice feels like play.
Feelings Charades
Take turns acting out emotions while the other person guesses.
Ask:
“How can you tell that someone is frustrated?”
Feelings Thermometer
Create a scale from 1 to 5:
1: Calm
2: A little frustrated
3: Upset
4: Very angry
5: Completely overwhelmed
Ask:
“Where is your feeling right now?”
This can help children communicate intensity.
Emotion Color Chart
Use colors to represent different emotional states.
For example:
- Green = calm
- Yellow = worried or frustrated
- Red = very angry or overwhelmed
You can let your child help create the chart.
Balloon Breathing
Pretend the belly is a balloon.
“Slowly fill your balloon.”
Then:
“Slowly let the air out.”
Keep it playful rather than turning it into a performance test.
Calm-Down Jar
A calm-down jar can become a visual activity that encourages children to pause and observe.
However, it shouldn’t be presented as a guaranteed treatment for emotional distress.
Emotion Drawing
Ask:
“Can you draw what anger looks like?”
Or:
“If worry had a shape, what would it look like?”
This can help children who struggle to explain emotions verbally.
What Would You Do?
Create simple scenarios:
“Your friend takes your toy. What could you do?”
“You lose a game. What could you say?”
“Mom says it’s bedtime, but you want to keep playing. What could help?”
Storybook Emotion Hunt
While reading, ask:
- “How does this character feel?”
- “How do you know?”
- “What happened?”
- “What could the character do?”
- “Have you ever felt that way?”
The AAP recommends play and activities such as feeling charades to help children understand and manage emotions.
Emotional Regulation Strategies by Age
Children need different types of emotional regulation strategies depending on their developmental stage.
Emotional Regulation for Toddlers
For toddlers, focus on:
- Simple emotion words
- Connection and comfort
- Predictable routines
- Simple choices
- Movement
- Short phrases
- Repetition
A toddler may not be able to independently use a complex calming strategy during a tantrum. Adult support remains important.
Tantrums are common during the toddler years, particularly as children are still developing control over impulses, feelings, and behavior.
Emotional Regulation for Preschoolers
For preschoolers, introduce:
- Feelings charts
- Emotion stories
- Simple breathing
- Calm-down spaces
- Role-play
- Emotion drawing
- Simple problem-solving
At this age, children can begin connecting emotions with situations and practicing different responses.
Emotional Regulation for School-Age Children
School-age children can gradually learn:
- Emotion scales
- Self-talk
- Journaling
- Breathing exercises
- Problem-solving
- Taking appropriate breaks
- Asking for help
- Perspective-taking
They can also participate more actively in deciding which coping strategies work best for them.
Emotional Regulation Activities for 10-Year-Olds and Older Children
Older children may benefit from:
- Journaling
- Identifying triggers
- Mindful breathing
- Physical activity
- Talking to a trusted adult
- Reframing unhelpful thoughts
- Taking a short break before responding
- Breaking problems into smaller steps
There is no single emotional regulation strategy that works for every child or every situation. Children benefit from having a range of strategies and learning when different approaches are useful.
How to Help a Child During an Emotional Meltdown
When your child is already overwhelmed, focus less on teaching and more on safety and connection.
Step 1: Keep Everyone Safe
If your child is hitting, kicking, throwing objects, or behaving dangerously, calmly stop the unsafe behavior.
You can say:
“I won’t let you hit.”
Step 2: Regulate Yourself
Before responding, take a breath.
Lower your voice.
Slow down.
If you need a moment to regain your composure and the situation is safe, take one.
Children learn emotional regulation partly by observing how adults handle emotions.
Step 3: Acknowledge the Emotion
Try:
“You’re really angry.”
or:
“You didn’t want playtime to end.”
Step 4: Hold the Boundary
Validation doesn’t mean allowing unsafe behavior.
Try:
“It’s okay to be angry. It is not okay to hit.”
Step 5: Offer Limited Choices
Too many choices can overwhelm an upset child.
Try:
“Do you want to sit with me or have some space?”
Small, directed choices can help children feel some control during difficult moments.
Step 6: Wait for Calm
Avoid turning the meltdown into a long lecture.
The goal is to help the child become regulated enough to communicate and think again.
Step 7: Teach Later
Once the child is calm, ask:
- “What happened?”
- “What were you feeling?”
- “What did your body feel like?”
- “What could we try next time?”
This is when teaching is more likely to be useful.
What Parents Should NOT Do When Teaching Emotional Regulation
Some common parenting responses can unintentionally make emotional regulation more difficult.
Avoid “Stop Crying”
Crying is a form of emotional expression.
Instead:
“I know you’re upset. I’m here.”
Avoid “You’re Fine”
If your child is upset, telling them they’re fine may communicate that their feelings are not important.
Instead:
“You’re having a hard time right now.”
Avoid “Don’t Be Angry”
Anger itself isn’t the problem.
Teach your child what to do with anger.
“It’s okay to be angry. Let’s keep everyone safe.”
Avoid Shaming
Statements such as:
- “You’re acting like a baby.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “Good children don’t behave like this.”
can add shame to an already difficult emotional experience.
Avoid Long Lectures During Meltdowns
A highly upset child may not be ready for a detailed lesson.
Keep your words short and return to teaching later.
Avoid Expecting Adult-Level Self-Control
A three-year-old, seven-year-old, and twelve-year-old have different developmental capacities.
Avoid Using “Calm Down” Without Teaching How
Instead of repeatedly saying:
“Calm down.”
teach:
“Let’s take three slow breaths.”
or:
“Would you like to sit in your calm space?”
The APA recommends teaching and practicing regulation strategies during calm periods rather than expecting children to suddenly use unfamiliar skills during intense emotions.
How Parents Can Model Emotional Regulation
Children don’t learn emotional regulation only from instructions. They also observe how adults handle their own emotions.
For example, instead of hiding your frustration, you might say:
“I’m feeling frustrated because we’re running late. I’m going to take a slow breath and focus on what I can do next.”
You can model:
- Naming emotions
- Taking a pause
- Asking for help
- Using healthy coping strategies
- Apologizing after losing your temper
- Solving problems
- Respectfully expressing disagreement
Parents don’t need to be perfectly calm.
In fact, one of the most useful lessons can be showing children what repair after an emotional mistake looks like.
For example:
“I was frustrated and I raised my voice. I’m sorry. I should have spoken more calmly.”
Children learn through observation as well as instruction, making parental modeling an important part of emotional development.
How Daily Routines Support Emotional Regulation
Daily routines can make emotional regulation easier because children know what to expect.
Helpful routines can include:
- Consistent sleep
- Regular meals and snacks
- Outdoor play
- Physical activity
- Quiet time
- Predictable transitions
- Family connection
- Preparation before changes
For example, instead of suddenly announcing:
“We’re leaving now!”
you could give your child advance notice:
“Five more minutes, then we’ll put the toys away and leave.”
This doesn’t guarantee that there won’t be a tantrum, but predictable transitions can make them easier to manage.
Parents should also remember that tiredness and hunger can affect children’s ability to regulate emotions.
Emotional Regulation vs. Tantrums: Are They the Same?
No.
A tantrum is a behavior or emotional episode that can happen when a child is frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed, or trying to communicate a need.
Emotional regulation is the broader developmental ability to understand and manage emotional responses.
A toddler can have frequent tantrums while still developing emotional regulation skills.
For example:
Your child wants a cookie before dinner.
They cry, scream, and drop to the floor.
You can respond:
“You really want the cookie. You’re disappointed. We aren’t having cookies before dinner. You can sit with me while you calm down.”
The goal isn’t necessarily to stop every tantrum immediately. It is to help your child gradually learn how to experience disappointment while maintaining safe boundaries.
Tantrums are a normal part of development, particularly in the toddler years, although frequency and intensity vary considerably between children.
When Should Parents Seek Professional Help?
Parents sometimes wonder whether their child’s emotional reactions are simply part of development or whether they should seek additional support.
Consider talking with your child’s pediatrician, child psychologist, counselor, school counselor, or another qualified professional if emotional or behavioral difficulties:
- Are very frequent or severe
- Are becoming worse
- Interfere with school
- Affect friendships
- Disrupt family life
- Create significant safety concerns
- Make everyday activities extremely difficult
- Occur alongside other developmental or behavioral concerns
Professional support does not mean that a parent has failed.
Children develop differently, and sometimes families simply need additional guidance.
The APA recommends seeking professional help when difficulties with emotion regulation interfere with school, health, family life, or other important areas of functioning.
A parenting article cannot diagnose emotional dysregulation, anxiety, ADHD, autism, trauma, or another mental health or developmental condition. If you are concerned about your child’s behavior or emotional well-being, discuss your observations with an appropriately qualified professional.
A Simple 7-Day Emotional Regulation Practice Plan
You don’t have to teach every emotional regulation skill at once.
Try this simple seven-day plan.
| Day | Practice |
|---|---|
| Day 1 | Learn five emotion words |
| Day 2 | Notice body signals connected to emotions |
| Day 3 | Practice slow breathing |
| Day 4 | Create a calm-down space |
| Day 5 | Practice asking for help |
| Day 6 | Role-play a frustrating situation |
| Day 7 | Review which strategies helped |
Keep each activity short and positive.
The goal is practice, not perfection.
Quick Parent Cheat Sheet: What to Say During Big Feelings
Instead of:
“Stop crying.”
Try:
“I can see you’re really upset.”
Instead of:
“Calm down.”
Try:
“Let’s help your body feel calm.”
Instead of:
“There’s nothing to be upset about.”
Try:
“I understand why you’re disappointed.”
Instead of:
“Don’t hit!”
Try:
“You’re angry. I won’t let you hit. You can tell me you’re angry.”
Instead of:
“Why are you behaving like this?”
Try:
“Something feels really hard right now. Tell me what happened when you’re ready.”
Instead of:
“You’re fine.”
Try:
“I’m here with you. We’ll figure this out.”
These small language changes can help parents acknowledge emotions while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Emotion coaching involves noticing, naming, validating feelings, and responding to the child’s underlying need.
Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Regulation for Kids
What is emotional regulation for kids?
Emotional regulation for kids is the developing ability to recognize, understand, express, and manage emotions in safe and appropriate ways. Children gradually learn these skills through brain development, relationships, modeling, practice, and supportive guidance from parents and caregivers.
At what age do children learn emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation develops throughout childhood rather than at one specific age. Toddlers need significant adult support, while older children gradually become more independent. Executive-function skills involved in planning, problem-solving, and impulse control continue developing well beyond early childhood.
How can I teach my child emotional regulation?
Start by teaching children to name emotions, recognize body signals, use simple coping strategies, ask for help, and practice problem-solving. Model these skills yourself and practice them when your child is calm rather than waiting until a major meltdown occurs.
How do I help my child calm down during a meltdown?
First make sure everyone is safe. Stay as calm as possible, use short phrases, acknowledge the child’s feelings, maintain boundaries around unsafe behavior, and offer simple choices. Once the child is calm, talk about what happened and practice a strategy for next time.
What are the best emotional regulation activities for kids?
Useful activities include feelings charades, emotion drawings, feelings thermometers, story-based emotion discussions, role-playing, breathing exercises, movement activities, and practicing different responses to everyday frustrating situations.
How do I teach my toddler to manage big emotions?
Toddlers need simple language, repetition, connection, predictable routines, and plenty of adult co-regulation. Name the emotion, acknowledge it, maintain safety boundaries, and help your toddler calm down. Don’t expect a toddler to independently manage every strong emotion.
What is the difference between emotional regulation and emotional suppression?
Emotional regulation means experiencing an emotion while learning how to respond to it safely. Emotional suppression involves hiding, denying, or avoiding emotions. Children can be taught that all emotions are acceptable while certain behaviors, such as hitting or hurting others, are not.
Why does my child struggle to regulate emotions?
Children can struggle with emotional regulation because their self-regulation and executive-function skills are still developing. Temperament, tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, stress, developmental differences, and changes in routine can also affect a child’s ability to manage emotions.
How can parents model emotional regulation?
Parents can name their own emotions, pause before reacting, use healthy coping strategies, communicate respectfully, and apologize when they make mistakes. Saying something like, “I’m frustrated, so I’m going to take a breath before I respond,” shows children what emotional regulation looks like in everyday life.
When should I seek professional help for my child’s emotional regulation?
Consider seeking professional guidance when emotional or behavioral difficulties are severe, persistent, worsening, creating safety concerns, or interfering with school, relationships, health, or family life. A pediatrician or qualified child mental-health professional can help determine whether further assessment or support is appropriate.
Conclusion: Teach the Skill, Not Just the Behavior
The goal of emotional regulation for kids isn’t to raise a child who never cries, gets angry, becomes frustrated, or has a meltdown.
The goal is to help children understand their emotions, feel safe experiencing them, and gradually learn what to do with those feelings.
Start small.
Teach one emotion word.
Practice one breathing technique.
Create one calm-down space.
Model one healthy coping strategy.
Give your child words for asking for help.
And remember that emotional regulation is a developmental process. Some days your child may use their coping skills beautifully. On another day, they may completely fall apart over something that seems tiny to an adult.
That doesn’t mean the learning has disappeared.
Children learn through repetition, relationships, practice, and repair.
So when big feelings happen, think:
Connection before correction.
Teach when calm.
Practice regularly.
Model the skills.
Be patient with development.
Your child doesn’t need a parent who is perfectly calm all the time. They need a supportive adult who can help them learn, one emotional moment at a time.
A Note for Parents
This article is intended for general educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized medical, psychological, developmental, or mental-health advice. Children develop at different rates, and strategies that work for one child may not work for another. If you have concerns about your child’s emotional or behavioral development, speak with your pediatrician or a qualified child-development or mental-health professional.
Evidence & Further Reading
The guidance in this article is informed by resources from the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, including guidance on children’s emotion regulation, emotion coaching, coping strategies, parental modeling, and when to seek professional support.
